Handout C-7: Trying to Satisfy Emotional Needs

I. Sixth possible cause: Emotional needs

All children have fundamental emotional needs, including the needs for protection and safety, consistency and predictability, trusting relationships, and feeling as though they have an effect on the world. When these needs are not met, children miss out on something critically important for emotional development. Until the need is satisfied, the child is driven by a hunger for it. Troubling behaviors can be children's way to get what they need. The "solution" that the child is exhibiting is usually not successful, but it won't go away until the need is understood and met.

II. Clues: How can I tell if a child's troubling behavior is an attempt to satisfy an unmet emotional need?

All of the following clues are present, not just one or two:

• The behavior is inappropriate-the child is not "acting his age."
• The behavior has a driven quality-the child has to do it, and the child brings an intensity to the behavior that is noticeable (and feels different) to the caregiver.
• The child has a limited way of responding and uses the same behavior all the time.
• The behavior, even when channeled or stopped, keeps occurring.
• The usual ways of handling and helping most children with this behavior do not seem to help.

III. If a child's behavior is an attempt to satisfy an unmet emotional need, what action can 1 take?

• Figure out what need the child is trying to meet with his behavior. Remember that the behavior doesn't usually look like a need.
• Do something. This behavior will not pass; it will get worse unless the need is understood and met.
• Respond to the child's need actively, through deeds, not only words, through giving, not withholding, through support, not punishment.
• Stop the behavior when the child is hurting self or others, but realize that it will reoccur.
• Meet the needs as much as possible with quiet firmness and patience.
• Remember that the child can't stop or control this behavior.
• Get additional support for yourself, child, and family.

IV. Example

· Shari:

Shari strikes out at other children frequently. She will turn and take a punch at a child who is walking past her on the playground or hit a child who approaches her cubby when it is time to put shoes away before rest time. The teaching team has tried time-outs and has been very clear about hitting being unacceptable behavior, but nothing is working. Something needs to be done before Shari hurts someone.

Shari, her mom Kelly, and her baby sister are living in a shelter this winter. They moved out of the house because Shari's dad hit Kelly, and sometimes hit Shari, too. Her toys and clothes are always disappearing at the shelter.

Glenna, the lead teacher, asks Kelly if it would be all right to ask Mark, the mental health consultant, to help them help Shari. Mark, Kelly, and Shari meet together several times after Mark has observed Shari in the classroom. Mark asks the classroom team to meet with Kelly and him to help them plan a response.

At the meeting, Mark explains that Shari's needs for protection and predictability have not been met. Shari strikes out because she expects other children to hit her or take her things. This is what she has experienced with her dad and in the shelter. Shari is trying, not very effectively, to protect herself. In order for her to change her behavior she needs to believe that she can let the grown-ups take responsibility for protecting her.

Kelly is only beginning to feel that she can protect herself and have a predictable life. She wants to protect her children, and that is why she left home, but she needs to experience protection herself before she can provide it effectively for her children. Time-outs for hitting do not help Shari believe she will be protected.

Mark and Kelly ask Glenna to try to let Shari know that she understands the need, and will meet it, but the behavior will not be allowed. "Shari, I know that you think Katie was going to snatch your jacket away. At Head Start I won't let anyone take your things. It is not okay to hit Katie, but I will protect you." At home, Mark is helping Kelly work with the shelter to set up lockers where residents can keep their possessions.

· Raimundo:

Everyone at the Los Ninos Migrant Head Start Infant Center loves Raimundo. At 11 months he is affection ate and happy to be with anyone. Visitors to the center are charmed when he crawls into their laps for a hug if he bumps his head or loses a toy. But Pedro, the teacher, is concerned that Rairnundo's need for predictable, consistent care giving is not being met because he observes that Raimundo is equally attached to everyone. If Raimundo falls down when his mother Maria is there, he is just as likely to go to Pedro for comfort as to Maria. Raimundo doesn't seem to prefer his special people.

Since Raimundo's birth, Maria has had to work very hard to make ends meet. He has come with her during the harvest season when he can, but Maria worries about the conditions in some of the camps and so sometimes sends him to stay with relatives. She doesn't want to burden any one person, so each time she has him stay with someone different. Pedro explains that, although Raimundo is "easy," it is important for him to develop passionate attachments to a few special people. Maria talks to her sister, and plans for Raimundo to always stay with Tia Rosa when he cannot be with her.

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